Let Others Tell You "No"

My Dad is a “no” man. When my siblings and I were growing up, the first thing out of his mouth- before our questions were even fully articulated - was “no.” It did not matter if we were asking to stay at a friend’s house for dinner, or going to school early for math club, his first reaction was to respond in the negative. Given his fondness for saying “no” to our childhood requests, his advice to me later in life seems at odds with his own typical response. He told me to approach jobs, school, and life by letting others tell me “no.” His advice was not suggesting I give power to others to make my decisions for me, but instead he did not want me to say “no” to myself before I had even tried.

To put this in the positive sense, and how I have since interpreted his advice: I say yes to myself, yes to the possibilities that may lie before me, and I have become my own biggest advocate. There are so many times that I told myself no, that I told myself I could not do something even though I had the desire to do it, or that I assumed the answer would be “no” if I asked. Each time I did this I lost an opportunity to grow, experience, or learn. As I have adopted the mindset of letting others (rather than myself) tell me “no” I have become the person I have always wanted to be. I have the job and career I want, I live and love my relationships fully, and I have pushed myself physically more than I ever thought I could.

In some of the ways I benefited, it has been simple but important for my career. It has meant that I asked for the graduate school teaching position, I asked for reimbursement of my moving experiences, I asked for a different start date, and I asked for an increase in starting salary. I asked for all of these (and more) and I received a lot of what I asked for, but not everything, and that is okay. It is okay because had I assumed the answer would be “no” and therefore, had I failed to ask the question in the first place, I never would have heard yes for any of the things I asked for. I did not let myself assume that the answer from my graduate schools or potential employers would be “no,” but neither did I assume it would be “yes.” Asking does not entitle me to what it is that I want, it merely means I am not my own limiting factor.

My relationships with others has been one of the areas in my life which has felt more natural to fully embrace letting others tell me “no.” I am an extrovert, I love meeting new people, I love interacting and sharing with others, and I thrive on their joy and happiness. I approach my love life in the same manner: I am open, honest, I feel emotions fully and deeply, and I make my feelings well known to my partner (or potential partner). Although I feel that it is natural for me to approach my love-life this way, it does not mean that it is easy. Letting others tell me “no” has meant that I am extremely emotionally vulnerable, and I have been crushed, devastated, and hurt, a lot. But saying yes in the first place has allowed me to experience love. It has allowed me to experience relationships and all the joys and challenges that come along with them. With each of these relationships I have learned, I have grown, and I have a better understanding of the type of partner that I want in my life.

I am not perfect in always saying “yes” to myself. I still have many moments of doubt, and anxiety about my skills, particularly as it applies to my physical abilities. I am in constant awe and admiration of friends and acquaintances who run marathons, hike and bike long distances, obtain the perfect yoga head-stand, or any number of other amazing physical feats. The first time a friend of mine suggested we go on a bike-ride of over 50-miles. I laughed in her face. I laughed because I thought it was absurd, the most I had ever biked on one ride was 25-miles. But she kept telling me that she knew I could do it, so I finally said yes, and by the end of our ride we had actually gone over 60-miles. I have similar experiences in hiking and yoga, and each time my friends have played a crucial role in helping me realize what my mind and body can do if I just say, “yes.” I am forever grateful to them and for knowing that when I doubt myself, they are there to help push me towards “yes.”

I have in turn tried to play the role of “yes” for other people in my life. For Father’s Day this past year I went with my Dad on a bike ride he had been mentioning for over a year, but had never done. He was nervous about it, and maybe a bit worried he could not do it. I insisted we go, and constantly reminded him I knew he could do it. Now, he is riding his bike more often and motivated to go even longer distances. I am not sure my Dad knows the impact of his advice on me, or that years later it would come back to show him that saying “yes” to a situation rather than “no” could help push his own physical abilities.